It is said, “You never know what you have until it’s gone.” Many of us have felt the sorrow of being taken for granted. The more it hurts when it is a family member, or a loved one, who takes you for granted. You genuinely care about them, and desire to embrace them with a lot of love. But it’s such a heartache when they don’t seem to appreciate you for what you are to them. If only they know not to waste time and take every opportunity to make you feel valued. In the same way, many of us are guilty too of taking somebody for granted. You let the days pass without saying and showing how much you love them, because you think that they are just around; that they will always be there with you… until they’re gone, either when you push them away, or something happens that takes them away from you. That’s when you begin to feel the loss. And so we realize that the saying above is true. Whether because of a fight, misgiving, or any other life situation, we can all think of someone we’ve lost that we would wish to have back in our lives. It might be too late to make it up to them. Once they’re no longer there, sooner or later, mostly in hindsight, you’d realize that all you truly wanted was to give them more and more love.
Like I’ve said, we usually take people for granted because we think they would always be around to love us. But I realize that there’s another reason why we lose the good people and the good things we have- as I reflected upon the writings of Saint Francis de Sales, Doctor of the Church, whose teachings influenced the works of other saints like Saint John Eudes and Saint Jane Frances de Chantal. I’ve just finished reading his eye-opening book, “Finding God’s Will for You,” which forms part of Books 8 and 9 of his famous work, “Treatise on the Love of God.” In one chapter called ‘Follow God’s Will in Making Decisions,’ he warns us that the reason why we lose something good we have is because we let go of it- we let go of it because we are in search of something better, which we are not able to find after all.
In the words of Saint Francis de Sales, “Sometimes we forsake the good in order to seek the better, and while we leave the one, we do not find the other.” He clearly reminds us to value deeply and keep carefully whatever good we have today, instead of abandoning it and waiting if tomorrow will bring something better- only to fail to find something grander in the end, and worse, only to lose the original good.
This can happen in many ways. In material things, for example, someone leaves a good job here in the Philippines to work abroad, dreaming of a better life – only to face some misfortunes there and get back home empty-handed. There are much more important things that we might take for granted and lose. The family, for one, can fall prey. A father betrays his good wife and precious children to fancy a ‘better’ woman; a rebellious teenager disobeys the wishes of his good mother, believing that his peers from an unhealthy friendship are a ‘better’ company; a lover leaves his faithful lady thinking there’s a ‘better’ relationship out there. But they are all mistaken for forsaking the good they already have. And that thought or desire for something ‘better’ misleads them. As Saint Francis de Sales points out, “An inspiration urging us to give up some true good we already possess in order to pursue a future better good is suspect.”
“Grass is always greener on the other side of the fence,” they also say. This means that you can always be tempted to think that elsewhere is better than where you are and what you have. So you would pursue it, rather than work hard and make sacrifices to grow your own side of the pasture. Only then it would reveal its negative flip side- that is, when you get to the other side of the pasture, you realize that it’s not better, not as good, or even worse than what you previously had. You would then realize that you were tricked, by what Saint Francis de Sales called as the “inspiration” which is “suspect.” This actually refers to the temptation from the evil side, the devil, which urges you to give up the true good you already possess.
The great Saint enlightens us that it is the goodness in the people and things we have in our life now that truly matters. And we must be grateful that we have found them. He notes, “Possession of a little treasure actually found is worth more than expectation of a greater one we must still go out to seek.”
He describes the good you have as “a little treasure.” I agree with him. During the dawn of your family life, or your romantic relationship, you recognize that your husband/wife and child, or the one you love, is a grace from God that you have been devotedly praying for. You recognize that it is like a ‘treasure’ long sought and now found. And you will endure anything to protect it. But as days go by, you can get ‘immune’ with their presence, so to speak, and the radiance you see in such treasure seems to fade. You may not realize at first but you start to take for granted this blessing from God. Perhaps you don’t show your family or loved one as much love anymore; or life gets hectic and you no longer give them loving affection like you used to; or you start to care less for them and more about yourself; or you are no longer as willing to sacrifice. Love matures and deepens; ironically, when you get too comfortable with each other, you get tempted to think that attraction has faded. Little by little, the noise of daily life and your unguarded inner desire for something ‘better’ pull you away. Then you realize you have given up a true good.
And that’s the work of evil, Saint Francis de Sales so believes: “Very often, says the glorious St. Bernard, the evil one deludes us, and to distract us from achieving some good, he proposes another that seems better.” The devil undoubtedly doesn’t want you to achieve anything in life, or to be with people that will make you joyful and holy in this world. You sometimes sacrifice so much in the beginning. But after you’ve toiled on building temporal things, or a family, or a relationship, he wants to ruin it and take it all from you, so you are back to nothing. We must be alert of evil silently ruining our lives. Let us try to be more aware, so that when we see that the good we have is falling apart, we can swiftly rise above it and with God’s help, prevent the devil from snatching it from us. Scripture teaches us, “Be sober and vigilant. Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion looking for [someone] to devour. Resist him, steadfast in faith, knowing that your fellow believers throughout the world undergo the same sufferings.” (1 Peter 5:8) Amidst our weakness, we must cling to God to give us the strength and will against the temptation of forsaking our very own good and what’s dear to us- the temptation of damaging our own lives.
Saint Francis de Sales cautions that it is the influence of the devil that we take for granted and leave what we already have, in the guise of merely wanting for something to ‘improve.’ But if we do go on, let evil sway us, and start looking for what we assume as ‘better,’ the devil will hinder our way again and again. He says, “After we have started the second one, to divert us from completing it, [the evil one] presents us with a third. He is satisfied if we make many beginnings, provided we never finish anything.” The enemy always explores our weaknesses to manipulate the good we have. This only shows that the deceit of the devil and other demons can never bring us any peace, contentment, and rest. If we fall in this trap, one day we’re going to wake up alone, lonely, and never able to achieve our greatest dream (which for many of us, is true love, marriage, and family life). What a sad thought this is, but a humble soul admits that the temptation is very real, because there are many evils in this world. For that, a truly wise soul will tirelessly seek God’s mercy and protection.
Our faith in God is likewise in danger of being forsaken. Saint Francis de Sales talks about how some people, at first, are so committed to their newfound conversion to the Faith. It can happen to Catholics who have rejuvenated their faith, and even to us who have long been in the Catholic Church. When sufferings and trials arise in our lives, and we don’t get the things we desire or pray for, we stop doing our religious activities altogether, like not praying enough, or doing vocal and mental prayers but without humility and love for God. All the inspired efforts of turning back to God and remaining in Him are wasted during tests of faith when we give up or turn cold somewhere along the middle of our spiritual journey. Some people even leave the Catholic Church to join some sects or fellowships because they proclaim that ‘God’ or ‘Jesus’ promises successes and gains of prosperity to the members of their group. They do not realize that as they leave, what they actually forego are the Sacraments of the Church for their own spiritual benefit, which no ‘better’ material benefit can ever equal. The devil deceives them to lose the very means of salvation of their souls.
And because of such, Saint Francis de Sales warns us neither to turn around nor turn back, “…without changing our gaze, marching on to where God has turned our face.” Once again, I compare it with a new romantic relationship on a high, or a marriage on a sweet honeymoon. It makes one very inspired, hopeful and blissful. But when problems come along, and they will surely do, some just give up, sadly. A relationship and its foundation take a lot of time and effort to build. But in just a moment of weakness and temptation, it can all crumble down. Such is our Faith and the temptation to fall astray is easy while to keep at it is real hard work. Saint Francis de Sales says thus, “If a man is on a good path, let him keep to it.” We must be reminded that the path to holiness, no matter how difficult, is the good path. We must find every reason to keep striving in it.
The following story, as Saint Francis de Sales narrates, is a personal example to him of how leaving a good might only disappoint and cause regret:
“A young Portuguese man named Francis Bassus was admirable not only in sacred eloquence, but also in the practice of virtue, when under Blessed Philip Neri’s direction in the Roman Oratory. Then he believed that he was inspired to leave that holy society to join a formal religious order, and he finally resolved to do so. When Blessed Philip Neri assisted at his reception into the Order of St. Dominic, he wept bitterly. On being asked by Francis Mary Tauruse, later Archbishop of Siena and a cardinal, why he shed those tears, he said, “I deplore the loss of so many virtues.” In fact, that young man who was so excellently prudent and devout in the congregation, after he entered the religious order became so inconstant and flighty that, agitated by various desires for novelty and change, he later caused great and grievous scandals.”
Many of us have experienced at one point in our lives to lose someone or something that is so valuable to us, of our doing, I think. And for some, it probably happened by mistake- to let go of something good out of fear, hurt, weariness, pride, greed, or any other weakness. We let the good in our hand slip away because we gave in to temptation; or because we relied on ourselves and not on God; or because we thought it would bring us much joy and peace if we did so. Only to realize, especially once the dust finally settles, that the good we had really means so much to us; that it is worth more than all the sacrifice; that it is exactly what God, who knows our very hearts, intends for us, because it is the cross He wants us to bear and the grace He wants us to have.
If you are one of those who have forsaken the good for the better only to lose both, all you can do, as Saint Francis de Sales says, is to sincerely ask for God’s mercy. Only His Divine Mercy can bring back the good in our lives. And to those out there who still think that the grass is greener on the other side of the pasture, let me remind you to think of the love of the sheep for its Good Shepherd, Jesus Christ. If we truly belong to Jesus, we must love Him so much that we will never leave the goodness of His sheepfold. Likewise, we will never forsake the other sheep in His flock. This means that we will love, cherish and protect the people that God has given us and entrusted to our care, wherever they are and whatever the situation may be.
Hold on to what you have; Because if you don’t, you’ll never know if the very thing you let go can make you the happiest and holiest- While there’s still a chance.
St. Francis de Sales, pray for us!
Mama Mary, pray for us!
Amen.
She graduated cum laude from the University of Santo Tomas, the country's Pontifical and Catholic university, with an AB in Legal Management and minor units in Theology.
As an unmarried woman, prayer holds a central place in her daily life, with a focus on the Rosary and the Divine Office. Embodying her faith, she emphasizes the growth of her inner spiritual life, guided by the wisdom of Carmelite spirituality.
God manifested to her in a unique and radical manner, which made her know Who He truly is and led her to total surrender of her life to Him.
She has studied the Bible with her family, developing a particular fondness for the Old Testament.
Her adorable and intelligent toy poodle is a delightful companion in her daily life, bringing warmth and joy to her home.
Her hobbies include reading about everything, learning Japanese and German, listening to music and playing the flute.
In her leisure time, she enjoys gaming on PlayStation 5, Nintendo Switch OLED, Nintendo 3DS, iOS and OS, and collecting things related to PlayStation and Nintendo.
Email: [email protected]
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