J.M.J.
Happy 5th Anniversary to The Best Catholic! My Blog has soared to Top 36 in worldwide ranking of Catholic Blogs this February. I started this Blog as “Psalms and the Pilgrim Daughter” in 2015. Now, it has reached across the seven seas. I offer my gratitude to the Patronesses of this Website—the Blessed Virgin Mary, Saint Gemma Galgani and Saint Thérèse of Lisieux for making all this happen. And of course, many thanks to the loyal Readers of this Website, our 183,000 Facebook Page Likers, and everyone who sent me messages of appreciation and support.
As I celebrate five years of writing about the Catholic Faith, I decided to share my take on this particular topic, which I have not written about before—my Catholic perspective on a woman’s singleness, quest for a husband and wish to become a wife.
What prompted me to write regarding this topic were the emails that I received from two of our TBC Readers. I actually got a few more messages of this nature, which I personally replied to. This time, I am answering them through this Post to give a more detailed response and share it to all single Catholic women, who are seeking the will of God concerning their current relationships or still waiting for the right man to be their spouse.
Here are their emails:
Hello Mary,
Good day.
My name is Sam. Like you, I am also in my late 20’s, awaiting my chaste spouse, and a trying hard to be militant Catholic with a devotion to Our Lady. I think I got it from (name of one of the premier universities in the country withheld for privacy). I am wondering if you can share to me your practices in deepening your Catholicism?Thanks,– Sam A. of the Philippines
Dear Mary,Can you share some tips on how to discern if a guy is marriage material or not? I’m in my 30’s. I want to have a chaste relationship and Catholic man to marry. I’m frustrated in dating.
– Irene V. of Italy
Yes Sam and Irene, we are on the same boat on this, waiting for a chaste spouse. Thank you for your emails! Your questions are truly interesting to me, which is why I would love to talk in detail about my thoughts and advice, as others like us might also find them helpful and relevant. To you both, and to all single Catholic women out there who have the same sentiment, I say the following:
Disclaimer:
I am not a relationship expert by any means. But I am a single woman who is strongly devoted to my Catholic faith. And I believe that a part of the wisdom that I have acquired all these years regarding dating, boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, and the Sacrament of Marriage are worth sharing to other Catholic women, with a sincere desire that it would be of help to them in their own journey.
Before, I would take it that being single was not a blessing from God. However, as I gained a deeper understanding of the Faith, and felt the presence of God and the Saints in every aspect of my life, especially these last couple of years, I have seen that my “singleness” is a sign of God’s favor because it means that God is in control of my life; that He rests His hand upon me, guiding me and holding me fast (Psalm 139:5,10).
This shift in my perspective took a lot of prayer, reflection, diligent practice of the faith through the Sacraments, reading Catholic materials and learning from interaction with other people. And so even though I still am single, I believe that I can share meaningful answers to questions of Catholic women who feel called to marriage, but are confused because God has not sent yet the right person for them.
I find it interesting the the two TBC Readers both use the word “chaste” in their emails to describe a spouse and a relationship. And I’m pretty sure that their choice of the term “chaste” is mainly influenced by having in mind Saint Joseph, who is described in the Bible as a “righteous man” (Matthew 1:19), the Most Chaste Spouse of the Blessed Virgin Mary, and the perfect model of what single Catholic women are looking for—a “good” man.
Let me emphasize about chastity before I outline the rest of my advice. It really makes sense for us women to keep the word “chaste” in mind as we look for a spouse. These days, it’s really hard to find that “chaste” man. So why stay a “damsel in distress,” if you will? Why not just settle with an unchaste man? Because chastity matters—the litmus test of a good man is a chaste man.
For one, being chaste means being “pure.” When we talk of being pure, what usually comes to mind right away is the purity of the “body.” But chastity doesn’t end with purity with one’s body. A chaste man is also “pure” in his intentions with you.
If you are one of those single Catholic women who try so much to remain righteous amidst the “heartaches” and “disappointments” that come with waiting for a good man, know that I feel for you. That is why I’m sharing with you about the first psalm that I ever prayed in the Divine Office.
Back in 2014, I was trying to get to know a guy who seemed “religious” or “practicing” Catholic. Though by talking with him, and observing between the lines, I caught that he was unchaste and impure in his intentions with me. So I cut it right away, realizing how disquieting and uncomfortable it was as a Catholic woman to associate with such a guy. As a young woman who’s trying to go deeper in the faith, I was seeking comfort from God about that decision.
Suddenly, the Divine Office came into my mind, and I got the inspiration that I should pray it. It came to me almost like a dream from long ago—the Divine Office, also known as the Breviary, or the Liturgy of the Hours, had been calling my attention in 2012, a time when I was actively reading Traditional Catholic blogs, and discovering about being a Catholic traditionalist and the Traditional Latin Mass. It was only after two years when I finally answered the call of praying it.
The first time I prayed the Divine Office, the Invitatory was Psalm 24. I knew straight away that God, through this psalm, was giving me a nod in my discernment to shun unholy men. And I shed some holy tears because I felt an overwhelming presence of God in my life then.
I consider verses 3 and 4 as the ‘highlight’ of Psalm 24:
3 “Who shall climb the mountain of the Lord?
Who shall stand in his holy place?
4 The man with clean hands and pure heart,
who desires not worthless things,
who has not sworn so as to deceive his neighbor.”
The message is clear. A good man is “the man with clean hands and pure heart.” But unchaste men are crafty in deceiving women, and they desire worthless things. These verses assured my heart that indeed only a “good man” and a “good woman” are capable of forming a relationship that stands worthy before the Lord.
I previously thought that it was fine to settle with a “nice” guy who had a different opinion on chastity and purity, as long as he would ‘respect’ my Catholic values in morality. But after praying Psalm 24 in the Divine Office, I had a firm resolve that once I find out that a guy was not pure in body, mind and heart, I would always gladly walk away.
My Reflection
Now, to further answer the Readers’ questions, My Reflection lists my advice, all grounded on the Catholic Faith, regarding what you should do while waiting and preparing for the person that God has in store for you. The list also includes my insights and pointers on the qualities that differentiate a man who is “right” or ideal for marriage from the one who is not. These are based on personal observation, experiences, and stories of other Catholic women I know and read about.
Painting credit: Frederick Richard Pickersgill
1. Union with God as your utmost desire
Be reminded that before we Catholic women felt the desire to enter marriage with a good man, our hearts beat first with the desire for God that He Himself has placed in us. The Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC 27,28) says:
The desire for God is written in the human heart, because man is created by God and for God; and God never ceases to draw man to himself. Only in God will he find the truth and happiness he never stops searching for:
The dignity of man rests above all on the fact that he is called to communion with God. This invitation to converse with God is addressed to man as soon as he comes into being. For if man exists it is because God has created him through love, and through love continues to hold him in existence. He cannot live fully according to truth unless he freely acknowledges that love and entrusts himself to his creator.
In many ways, throughout history down to the present day, men have given expression to their quest for God in their religious beliefs and behavior: in their prayers, sacrifices, rituals, meditations, and so forth. These forms of religious expression, despite the ambiguities they often bring with them, are so universal that one may well call man a religious being:
From one ancestor [God] made all nations to inhabit the whole earth, and he allotted the times of their existence and the boundaries of the places where they would live, so that they would search for God and perhaps grope for him and find him – though indeed he is not far from each one of us. For “in him we live and move and have our being.”
Sometimes, we confuse our profound sadness or intense longing for love and happiness as a result of not being able to attain our desire for marriage, when in truth, it is a consequence of our neglect to satisfy our hearts’ foremost desire for God Who is the ultimate source of love and joy.
If you are single, you may think of ways to try to succeed in your quest for earthly love like changing your looks or shifting dating tactics. But what you need to primarily focus on is to fulfill that innate desire of being in union with God, by improving your “religious expression” and spiritual tactics, such as having a constant prayer life. For Catholics, the best advice to achieve this, the most direct way, is none other than the highest form of prayer, the Holy Mass, wherein through the Eucharist, we experience a spiritual and mystical union with Jesus Christ.
And I suggest that if your situation permits, go to Mass more than once a week. An extra day for Mass, apart from the holy days of obligation, may greatly help you advance in being in communion with God. If relationships need regular communication, then think of how much more do our souls desire a constant mystical union with the Creator.
There is a song that goes, “To know you is to love you.” But before those lyrics even existed, and were used as a saying, we should realize that “to know and love God” is actually the purpose of the life of man; the reason why God created us (CCC Prologue I, 1-3). We should love God above all, before we can commit ourselves to “knowing” and “loving” other human beings, such as our future spouse and family. First of all, let us delight ourselves in Him.
“Delight in the Lord, and he will give thee the requests of thy heart.“
– Psalm 36:4 (Dhouay-Rheims Bible)
God sees our hearts’ desires, and He knows exactly what to give us. So if knowing a man, loving a man, and getting married to a man is His will for us, it will come. If it is taking time, it could be because God is waiting to send us our earthly “The One” until He is sure, for our sake, that He, the Almighty Lord, is Our One and Only—Our First Love and foremost relationship.
2. Have a devotion
Scripture directs us to “pray without ceasing” (1 Thessalonians 5:17). As laity, devotions are most useful to us in establishing a ceaseless prayer life, given that many of us cannot participate as often as we would want to in the liturgy. Devotional practices help us incorporate as much prayer as possible into our everyday lives. As for me, devotions have always been necessary in my journey of knowing God and learning to love Him truly.
We have our own stories of what we first learned about God and how our faith grew from there. My primer in knowing and loving God were the stories of Jesus Christ and the Blessed Mother that my mother taught me growing up, and the “Jesus movies” that I loved, which my parents always made me watch. By 13 years old, I already have a number of Catholic books that I felt strongly for, especially those about Marian Apparitions. In my last two years of high school, I learned a small bit from the Catholic subject. My Theology and Philosophy courses in college, in University of Santo Tomas, my alma mater that is run by the Order of Preachers or the Dominicans, provided me with plentiful lessons on the Faith. I started to regularly watch EWTN programs ever since the death of Pope John Paul II, the conclave, and the election of Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger to become Pope Benedict XVI in 2005. I always watched the episodes of Life on the Rock intended for the Catholic youth, presented by Father Mark Mary. There was also The Pure Life, presented by the lovely Catholic married couple Jason and Crystalina Evert, which taught me how the Church really defined “purity” and “chastity.” In particular, I commend Knowing Mary Through the Bible, presented by Dr. Edward Sri, an excellent Catholic theologian. His program left a strong impact in my life with his thorough explanation of Revelation 12, which was about the Blessed Mother being the “Woman of the Apocalypse.” Then, as a young adult, I tried to find out more about the Faith, which led me to reading Catholic websites and blogs.
With everything I mentioned above, I believe that I was able to build a reliable foundation for my Catholic faith. But what really prompted me to seek who God is, and to converse with Him in a deeper way was the devotion of praying the Divine Office daily, which began during some providential events in my family. Praying the Psalms made me feel like my soul was truly speaking to God and listening to His voice in my heart. The Office of Readings that contained the words of the Saints also revealed to me significant details about believing in God and living the faith, which a lot of Catholics rarely hear about.
Another personal example of my devotion—Three years ago, I started studying the Old Testament with my immediate family. It has sparked in me a deep love and adoration for God and led me to a greater understanding of the Faith.
Then of course, like I always say in my writings, the Rosary is another devotion that I resolved to pray every day, to express my love to Mary, the Mother of God, and to ask for her maternal help and protection.
So ladies, find a Catholic devotion that your hearts feel fervently connected to, whether it’s a Marian devotion, Gospel Reading, or a Novena, among others. Devotions help us to develop in virtue, reflect on spiritual truths, direct our gaze to God, and conform ourselves to His image. In other words, devotions help single women like us to become holy, and remain holy while we wait and prepare ourselves for our future spouse.
3. Go to Confession frequently
I go to Confession once a week or once every couple of weeks. And I must say that it has been an important part of my spiritual growth. I remember those times when I thought I was ‘ready’ to become a married woman. God would then put me in a situation in which my weakness would be revealed.
For example, I tended to complain and make a big fuss when I disliked something or disagreed with someone. Through frequent Confession, which involves careful examination of oneself and prayers, I was able to change and improve my attitude and response towards things and people. God prevented me from bringing such frame of mind into marriage had I wedded years ago. And that simply shows how God’s Plan is always perfect, because He leads me to mature in many ways and to amend my life, while I’m still a single woman.
Think of your singleness as an opportunity to try to weed out and correct as many flaws as possible in your behavior and thinking, through the Sacrament of Penance. For more reading, here is my piece on Confession.
4. Discover more about yourself and other people through the lives of your Patron Saints
As we grow older, our personalities also take shape. We go through a process of forming our own beliefs, solidifying our ideals, and discovering new ‘life convictions’ that we did not have before. One of the things that can strongly influence devout Catholics in that formation are the lives of their Patron Saints. An example is Saint John the Baptist whom I love so much. I narrated how this saint became close to my heart here. Since then, I have always felt his presence in my life.
I look up to Saint John the Baptist for being a man who defended morality, in loyal obedience to God’s holy law, even at the cost of his own life, like I said in this piece I wrote about him. On the other hand, there were “religious” guys, both I met, and heard about through other people, who were “people-pleaser” in a bad way. This type of guys seek to please even those who disrespect and look down on them as ‘small.’ Worse, they like to please and stay close with those who have immoral ways of lives that clearly contradict the teachings of the Catholic Church. Why do they do that? To gain some sort of benefit, or to get those people’s attention. It reminds me of middle school or high school stereotypes, in which the underdogs give in to the bullies, or the unpopular try to please and chase after the popular. They want to gain the approval even of persons without virtues to appear ‘cool’ or for whatever motive. Be observant as there are still people like this who do not seem to have outgrown their middle school ways and thinking. For example, you would see “practicing” Catholic guys, whether in person or in social media, flattering and pleasing homosexuals in same-sex relations, or homosexual couples with children conceived in surrogacy, which is against the dignity of the human person.
In my opinion, a guy’s manliness is diminished when he lacks self-respect, loses the courage to stand firm for the Faith, and fails to live his life in accord with the morals of the Catholic Church that he belongs to. More than that, it shows that other creatures on earth are his real priority; that his sights are not seriously set on God and His Word. Of course, he probably goes to Mass and join Church activities. But if a man cannot fully devote his mind and heart to God, then how could he ever fully commit himself to a woman?
If I did not know any better about the life of John the Baptist and his moral conviction, I might go on blindly and just settle with a people-pleaser man. What I learned about myself was that I could never be with a man who was soft in morality, under the guise that he was just “being understanding of other people’s sins.” Sometimes, a guy like that would even try to put the ‘guilt’ on you, suggesting how ‘inconsiderate’ you were of others. But we Catholic women of deep faith know better that it’s just his lame excuse. Not judging one’s neighbor is not the same as tolerating, associating oneself or showing support to what is morally wrong as defined by the Chuch. As Catholic women, we should not spend our life having to ‘defend’ our strong Catholic faith to a supposedly ‘Catholic’ person.
In the last couple of years, I have spent more time reading the lives of the Saints and their holy written works. Another thing I found out about myself was a surprise even to me—that I wasn’t comfortable anymore in watching a lot of secular television programs, series, and movies. Many years ago, I used to be a “movie buff,” be it thriller, action, comedy and drama. I spent so much money on frequenting cinemas and renting via streaming, because I have always been against any kind of entertainment piracy.
When I accepted the grace of God being given to me, my spiritual eyes were suddenly opened that many of these modern entertainment materials had obvious and subtle ways of attacking the Catholic Church and her teachings. For example, they include characters who are Catholics, and depict them as sexually repressed and creeps. They also include cusses and curses along and in between the Name of Jesus Christ in their episodes. In addition, even in movies and series that are also recommended for kids imply that pre-marital and homosexual relations are the “in” thing in the eyes of society. Some movies and series also have occult themes, such as that “boy wizard.” And I knew guys who would defend it with their souls as to why those “the-boy-who-lived” movies were acceptable for Catholics, even when they were clearly against the Faith.
Realizing how the Saints kept themselves occupied only with ideas, people and things that promoted holiness, and kept away from unholiness, I have since been particularly choosy and careful in whatever I watch. In the last three years, I occasionally watch programs such as Japanese and Korean television series and movies because I discovered that they usually promote modesty, and do not show any nudity, at least in the ones I have seen or checked out. They also try to impart many wholesome and traditional values concerning love and family to the audience.
Ladies, be wary of secular programs and those guys who would find every word to ‘justify’ why they watch a lot of those series and movies. Personally, I’m not settling with a man whose main hobby is watching secular shows in streaming services. I learned that as Catholic, I should only stick with hobbies that do not disseminate immoral and anti-Catholic ideas.
The thing is, a strong armor for us Catholic women against such men, whom I just described, and secularism is reflecting on the lives of the Saints who are true models of holiness. Doing that makes you keen to avert from anything or anyone immoral or unchaste. We must spend our singleness drawing closer to the Saints, discovering our true values and ideals in life, and cultivating their saintly works and lives in our own.
5. Call upon the Holy Spirit for better discernment
I noticed that for many Catholic women I know, the more she pursues the path of holiness, the more that she is pursued by men of deceit. That’s because the devil would do anything to bring temptations and troubles to the lives of the elect.
Why do women fall for men of deceit?
Because men of deceit initially show their most pleasing and desirable selves when dating women. And usually, they have a few charming things about them that entice women. The devil is a wolf in sheep’s clothing (Matthew 7:15), and masquerades as an Angel of Light (2 Corinthians 7:14). So sooner or later, you would find out that their bad traits were too bad that they always outweighed whatever’s likeable about them.
Whenever asked, these men of deceit claim that they ‘love’ their special someone. But a look into the teachings of the Catholic Church on love would reveal to you that what these men say and do are anything but love. For “To love is to will the good of another” (CCC 1766). However, for such men, ‘love’ is just a selfish means to their own agenda, which the Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC 1766) warns about, “Passions are evil if love is evil…”
The surest way to save yourself from these men of deceit and the evil spirits behind them is calling upon the Holy Spirit for better discernment, for He is the Giver of Light, the Heart of the Father and the Son, the Consoler and the Counselor, the Gift of Gifts, the Sweet Guest in our souls.
Mind you that discernment can be tricky. In my experience, and other Catholic women too, deceitful men deceive women by saying that they pray this and that, have a devotion to this and that, blah blah blah, that they have never had sexual relations before, even saying that their favorite is Archbishop Fulton Sheen (An overused line of many modern deceitful men! Though sure, there are some who are honest.) But look carefully, because how they treat you and other people actually says otherwise.
To further answer our reader’s question as to how to tell whether a man is “marriage material” or not, I will add to what I have discussed so far by enumerating some of the basic signs. Let me point out that this is not your “typical” secular or religious list of tips. What I’m analyzing here are important practical and spiritual signs that many women often overlook in their discernment in choosing husband.
Signs that a man is NOT ideal for marriage:
a. He is soft in morality
Some men claim that they are “religious” and “practicing” because they know that such traits really appeal to Catholic women. But like I’ve discussed above, being aware that a guy pleases people of no virtue and supports unholy things on social media and in real life would reveal to you that his religious practices are but a facade. If he is soft in morality, and finds it all too easy to compromise his Catholic beliefs and values, then you cannot rely on him to serve as a strong spiritual head of your own family.
b. He argues with you “like a woman”
My father never argued with my mother with too many words. He would also not raise his voice. Actually, he would rather quit the topic to avoid any unpleasant or upsetting words from being said. Moreover, he was always calm, and waited for a more appropriate time to continue any discussion with my mother. Such is the nature of men. They couldn’t be bothered to involve themselves in lots of talking or debating, much less, arguing. While it’s a general notion that women have a natural tendency to talk a lot, real men would rather compose themselves, regardless of who’s right or wrong, and explain in few words to settle the matter with their special one, because of their gentleness, love and respect for women—as seen in Saint Joseph.
However, there are effeminate men who argue like a woman. This type of man uses too many words to make a point, more than what is necessary to be said or explained. He enjoys winning arguments, thinking that’s how he could “man up.” He feels the need to “counter” your every differing opinion, acting as if his masculinity depends on it. He won’t ever let you as the woman ‘win’ a simple talk or a big discussion. He rants at you, and says whatever he wants, without regard to your feelings. A man who talks a lot in arguments and fights during the relationship would bring this behavior to marriage.
c. He is childish
Being child-at-heart is different from being “childish.” However, there are Catholic guys out there who, rather than being child-at-heart, are being childish.
This childish guy is interested in many things that children do, such as watching cartoons, enjoying anything Disney, or exhibiting excitement for Christmas stuffs like a nine-year old. Like a kid who does not fully understand the real value of money, this type of guy always lives beyond his means, often going to cinemas and concerts, dining out with his boys, and wasting money on other nonessential things, even when he is very financially unstable.
When you talk to a childish guy about adult matters, you could not really have a proper conversation with him. Either he could not seem to understand the complexities of what you are saying, or he could not speak out his thoughts even if he tried to.
d. He is unwise
The unwise man is clueless about what to do, given certain situations. He is unable to act or respond quickly. And because he is not street-smart, you might not feel safe even when you’re together, especially in big, crowded cities where something insane could happen, such as robbery, or an attack from some random stranger. Confusion and tension easily affect an unwise man’s reaction, making you feel as though you need to think for him or defend him, instead of feeling protected as a woman.
In social setting, you would notice how unwise men often put themselves in embarrassing situations with their inappropriate behavior, middle schooler awkwardness, unethical demeanor or childish talking.
e. He considers everybody—his family and his friends—to be “right” except.. YOU (Because to him, you’re always wrong.)
I encountered this type of guy. And it was a bit of a shock to know that it also happened with other Catholic women I know. This man is not exactly what you could call “family-oriented,” as he does not really care about his family members, and is often in disagreement with them. But in day-to-day stuffs, whether small or big, he suddenly acts as if he is ‘close’ with them, and tells you how ‘right’ his family’s opinion is versus yours, just to make you appear ‘wrong.’
Then when he’s got offensive friends who have done you something foul, he would defend them with all his might, speaking and making excuses for the offending party.
In another way, notice how this guy seems to enjoy contradicting whatever you say, and pointing out to you the smallest of your mistakes, acting like a coach or a teacher. But he’s not your coach and your teacher. He is a “contrarian,” that even when you say something right, he’d still contradict it, for the sake of contradicting you. When you say, “That is beautiful,” he’d say, “That is ugly.” You say, “It’s cold today,” he’d say, “It’s hot.”
This guy is quick to find fault or correct whatever you’re talking about, not according to fact but only to his own viewpoint. For example, you say, “This book is about love.” Then he would say, “This book is actually about friendship.” And it all becomes habitual for him. Because to an unholy man, how could a woman be so great that she knows a lot of things?
Sometimes, a guy not only uses his words, but his actions to contradict you; competing with you like children do. Cook him a great dish, and he would also cook something—not really for you, but for himself; to show you that he can cook ‘great’ too.
I think these guys are effeminate, lacking manly confidence in themselves. A more critical point to stress here is that these guys are not ideal for a spouse because they demonstrate a lack of sense for genuine mutual respect and love, which is necessary in marriage.
f. He is envious and selfish
He is NEVER generous in giving you gifts and favors, according to his means. For example, during Christmas, he would give you something like what your aunt or uncle would give you for the holidays when you were a child, like the usual shirt, or a pair of socks. But why so? It is because he’s envious to see that you would be so happy if he were to give you something meaningful that you would really like.
This is not about being materialistic, but the character that motivates a guy to choose to do something or not for you. For example, he knows how much you like Catholic figurines. But even if you give him obvious hints that you’d rather get a Catholic figurine for Christmas, he would purposely give you a boring piece of clothing (which actually costs more than the figurine), simply because he’s selfish to give you what you truly want. Once, a guy gave me handkerchiefs… It may be subtle, but as a woman, I already could see the envy and selfishness of this guy to see me happy.
Usually, these unpleasant attitudes extend to other things, not only material. This guy is selfish even in his compliments for you. He also envies how other people praise or congratulate you for whatever successes you have, small or big, like in having an award or a rising career. It is also about feeling a lack of sincerity that this person is truly happy for you.
g. He is unable to handle his emotions
This type of man gets too emotional to a point that his emotions spiral out of control. And he usually takes it out on you. Each time you try to communicate with him, in stressful situations or even during good times, he always gives things a ‘dramatic turn.’ I notice that guys like this respond to women with ‘drama,’ making it seem as if their relationship exists in a movie; except that they always turn out to be “romantic tragedy.” Never settle with a guy whose ‘effeminate’ attitude and emotions always get the better of him.
h. He watches pornography
People who gratify themselves with pornography are like brute beasts with no sense of disgust. If watching other people perform sexual acts do not nauseate them at the very least, but give them so much pleasure, then nothing could prevent them from being enslaved by their perverted desires and the temptation to try out other hideous things sooner or later, in relationship or in marriage. And if they have no fear in God to push them in stopping porn, then nothing could ever stop them in doing disgusting things.
Some guys will admit to you that they still struggle with porn. Others will claim that they “used to.” If it was long ago, and a guy has already got that part of himself purified, then there would not be problem with that. Because people could have honestly repented and changed.
However, if he claimed that he had just stopped watching porn ever since he was already with you, do not just believe it right away. And if he really did recently just stop since you got together, be wary still because the ‘invisible’ wounds that porn does to a person do not heal easily. I knew one who defended himself that all his friends “regularly watch” it, and claimed that he had already stopped it “months” ago. That, in other words, could most probably mean “last week” or “last night.” If you trust in God, He would surely let you know if a man is honest that he has no recent and ongoing struggles with porn.
Chastity speakers always warn women against those guys who watch porn, whether it’s just casual or an addiction. And I agree with them. I heard from a few Catholic women that they thought that porn would not be an issue in their marriage since their guys already stopped it while in a relationship with them. But they were mistaken. Guys who do not truly commit to unchain themselves from porn have a distorted view on women, and that is just the least of all the other evils that porn creates in a person.
Another important sign that would help in your discernment: “Birds of the same feather, flock together.”
The old saying that goes, “Birds of the same feather flock together” never fails as an effective discernment tool. Among our friends, whether they are a lot or not, there are a few ones that we keep “closest” to us. That’s because these closest friends are the ones we identify ourselves with the most, mentally and emotionally. Regardless of having different types of demeanor, friends “flock together” because something more serious in there attracts them to one another.
So you should be watchful of a guy’s closest friends because they indubitably are “of the same feather.” If you want to have a glimpse of what really is at the core of a man’s heart, look at his closest friends, and see what they are like—because that is also what he is deep down, partially or completely.
A decent guy surrounds himself with decent men. If his closest friends are unwholesome (And yes, even these friends are Catholics who go to Mass or Young Adult Night), then he, too, must be an indecent guy. What else could be the reason that he relishes the company of such offensive friends, other than agreeing to them and also seeing himself in them?
He might give reasons as to why he is friends with such unholy people (could be to subtly prepare you to accept them). Perhaps he’d say he was “childhood friends” with them, or that he gets a lot of help from this “handy” friend, but they are mere excuses. Some try to reason out with a ‘religious’ tone, saying, he is actually “evangelizing” his unholy friend, trying to “change” him, and hoping that he “converts” his ways. For your own sake, do not go along with this. Do not let him get you to believe that it is in the Name of God that he is hanging out and befriending those unholy men. Just trust me on this one, ladies. I have seen many fall into this trap. Catholic women of faith know better.
Mind you that men of deceit might be reading these “tips” I listed here and thinking that they could simply camouflage those undesirable traits that are in them. But I assure you that when you earnestly pray, and truly call upon the Holy Spirit to aid you for a better discernment about a person, you yourself will see all these signs. Know that God Himself will remove this deceitful man from your life.
Signs that a man is ideal for marriage
Chances are, like me, you personally know guys or know of guys, your family, friends and acquaintances, that DO HAVE these great qualities. And for us single women, it’s just a matter of waiting for God to send us the good man who would be our spouse.
a. He is manly
An ideal man for marriage is someone who is manly—very “guyish” in his ways. When you are with him, you feel him say, “I got your back! I’m here for you! I will protect you! I’m your man!” I’ve had guy friends and acquaintances like this. My sister also has a lot of guy friends like this.
This guy also makes sure to take care of himself physically, by eating well, working out like jogging and involving himself in sports. As a woman, you would never feel like this guy is being effeminate.
b. He is kind
There are guys who are really great as friends because they are kind, in a sense that they are helpful, especially in stressful situations, and they always treat women with high regard. Even when times are tougher, kind men don’t easily get impatient or angry, and lash out at women, which is, again, an effeminate trait.
I notice many Catholics say that some great examples of showing kindness is by opening doors for another person, and being ‘kind’ to restaurant servers. Let me make a point about this. To me, treating restaurant servers “kindly” is such an overused example of ‘kindness’ when it is a must to treat them with respect, in the first place. I don’t know why many Catholics use this example all the time, as if saying that being nice to servers is ‘all it takes’ to make anyone a “kind” person. Is that all the ‘great’ examples they can give about being kind?
True kindness is way beyond being nice or opening doors. I have met many people, guys and girls alike, who opened doors for others, and acted ‘nice’ to restaurant servers. But during the times that it was necessary to show kindness to their loved ones, family members, peers, and any other important people in their lives, they always reacted with unkindness and rudeness.
It is in tougher situations and stressful moments that true kindness should be shown all the more. An ideal man for marriage is a kind man who is fine in his words, who is gentle in his actions, who is always willing to help, even if it entails sacrifice on his part, who is able to look beyond himself.
There is a critical sign, which I say to you, is so important regarding kindness; and that is—how he talks to the poor and treats them. A kind man is a compassionate man. He doesn’t make a fuss in giving some alms to the poor in the streets he randomly sees, for example. You must feel in him that he has a genuine concern and pity for the poor, the sick, and those who struggle with hardships in life. You would not hear a kind man talk about them like they are a ‘nuisance.’ You would not see him just shrugging them off. It seems, then, that guys who think they are ‘kind’ to restaurant servers, but are unable to exhibit the kind behavior and good deeds, which I just mentioned, are only ‘pretend-kind.’ Being nice to servers and others workers is important, just as being polite is. But true kindness is so much more. I think using those overused examples must be ‘stopped,’ because it’s time for Catholic men, and women, to define what kindness truly means—and embody it in their lives, rooted in the love of Christ.
c. He is wise
If you are a woman who values wisdom, and has always tried to grow wiser, then it is only a wise man you could get along with.
Scripture speaks about the importance of wisdom in a man, which comes from knowing God as the foundation. But let me talk from a practical side of things in elaborating about this. One basic indication of a wise man is his diligence as a student. Because oftentimes, the attitude a person had as a child, he brings with him as an adult. For example, as a student, I was always very studious and competitive. That’s because I was conscientious about my self-improvement and how I would make my parents proud of me. If a guy also worked hard as a student, he would also be conscientious of what to improve in himself as an adult. And since he also cared about pleasing his parents as a child, then he would also be mindful of how you would be proud of him. If you are a woman who has always given much effort in anything you do like me, then a guy who went to school just to “happily” get “passing scores” would not be right for you. Only a wise man who values knowledge, experience, and good judgment in anything he does would be on the same “wavelength” as us.
Another mark of a wise man is that he is street-smart. I’ve had guy friends like this. When with a man like this in a relationship, you could get lost somewhere, like in a forest, and go out alive. Okay, that sounds like a fantasy… But what I mean is that you generally feel safe and protected when with this guy.
A wise man is respectable, and wise in dealing with people. He would not be socially-awkward, or act as if he’s in middle school (On a personal note, we did not have middle school in the Philippines during my time. So most of us had finished high school by 16 years old) or high school; he carries himself as a grown man with confidence. He seeks to honor you—and not do anything that would cause embarrassing and humiliating situations with you.
And lastly, he knows ethics. Many Filipinos are great in this aspect. A man with ethics understands what is proper or not; and is mindful of his manners wherever and whenever.
d. He is a good provider
A man who is fit for marriage can keep a job or maintain a career. He spends his time on things that would secure his future family and enable him to save up and buy a house, among other needs. While many are not as privileged to work in very high-paying industries, you would see how a good man is responsible, financially stable, and highly capable to excel in his chosen work, and in his studies, if he is still continuing with a graduate degree. Like Saint Joseph, this man always does his best—in what he’s good at.
e. He respects his mother
I feel inspired whenever I see a guy who deeply respects his mother, in a sense that he looks up to her, and speaks well of her. This type of man does not belittle his mother’s opinion, action, or decision. And when she is technically ‘wrong’ in her belief or knowledge, he still treats her with kindness and understanding.
This “respect” for a mother that I’m speaking about is different from “being afraid” of his mother. In the presence of his mother, or when talking with her on the phone, he seems to be meek, just because he is afraid of her. But behind her back, he speaks ill of her, and talks with his significant other, words that would embarrass and humiliate her, if only she was around during the conversation.
A sign that a man truly respects his mother is when he talks about his mother, and women in general, with ADMIRATION and HONOR. I will give you an example. Once a guy who had a degree in Theology told me, “For a woman, you know a lot of Theology.” Then he followed it up with, “I don’t mean any disrespect.” So I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But when he saw that I sounded like I didn’t get upset, he mentioned five times more, again saying, “For a woman, you have a lot of knowledge in Theology.” What a misogynist.
Then later on, he described to me his mother as “very controlling,” and spoke about his other issues of her. Whatever he said about his mother could be true or not; could be reasonable or not. But based on what I personally observed, and heard of the stories from friends, the way men speak of and treat their mother is an important indicator of how he would speak of and treat you in the relationship; and much more, when you are already in the marriage.
Of course men of deceit would always try to say some ‘good words’ about their mothers. That’s because most people really have a good word or two, for other people. But it doesn’t end with, “I admire my mother,” or “My mother is caring,” as they never fail to say those during the initial moments that you’re talking about each other’s families. But when topics shift, deceitful guys then reveal their true disrespectful opinion about their mothers.
A good man is one who thinks highly of his mother in whatever stories about his family he is sharing with you, whenever. He desires to accord the same high esteem and respect to his future wife, which is already evident in his behavior during the relationship. Look closely, ladies, and you would really see in a man’s words and actions if he truly values his mother, or only sees her as just another person in his life.
If a man’s mother had been absent in his life, which was definitely not his fault, then look at how he speaks of and treats whoever served as a mother figure to him.
f. He is generous
Of course, a generous man is the opposite of what I mentioned earlier, in which even though your guy could afford something, and the item is technically cheap, he would rather give you something trivial, just so you won’t feel too happy. This might sound crazy, but I experienced it before, and I still see it happening around with women I know.
The man who believes in generosity is all about sincerely giving from his heart, giving you what he knows you will like and according to his honest means. All because he wants you to SEE you BE happy, as he loves you.
g. He has a joyful heart
If you are a lighthearted woman like me, you would like to be with a lighthearted man. What I observed is that it’s hard to reach out to guys who are in a constant feeling of sadness, even if you wanted to. You would feel it when a person is merely “laughing at jokes” versus truly having a “joyful heart.” Some men may naturally have a serious and formal demeanor, but what’s important is they still have joy in their heart.
Why does this matter? Even if you try hard with various ways to make a person happy, there is simply nothing that would make him or her happy, if they don’t allow themselves to be happy. A guy who refuses to accept the happiness and joy that a lovely lady is trying to share with him would eventually bring her down. It becomes a one-sided relationship. So when it comes to choosing a husband, observe whether the guy only feels sadness, and always sees whatever there is to be sad about, or if he tries to feel cheerful, and acknowledges whatever there is to be joyful about in life.
Thus, an ideal man for marriage is one who seeks the Holy Spirit to bear His fruits, such as joy, in his life. He always shows appreciation for your efforts of reaching out to him. Your words and actions bring him joy and inspiration. And because he is a man with a joyful heart, he reciprocates it by bringing you more joy amidst this crazy life.
h. He is a “spiritual Catholic”
A common presumption of women is that a man is religious when he is involved in his Parish.
However, there are men who are not involved in the Parish, but ardently love God, as well as the Saints and the Catholic Church… because they are “spiritual.”
It’s a trend among secular people to describe themselves using this popular phrase, “spiritual but not religious.” They say they are “spiritual” because they believe in a ‘god,’ who is definitely not the Catholic God. That ‘god’ they have is some form of “energy,” which is occult in nature. And they say they are “not religious” because they don’t associate themselves with any religion or its practices.
However, there is also a trend among Catholics, men and women alike, who I personally phrase as “religious but not spiritual.” That is not really a common phrase, but I notice that it’s becoming a common occurrence. This religious but not spiritual man ‘serves’ in his Parish, as a member of the choir or the young adult ministry. If there’s an “Adoration Night” in their Young Adult Group (which you should be cautious of, like I mentioned in this piece I wrote), he’s there. Name a church happening, and he’s surely there. You could call this guy a ‘religious’ man.
But this man is not “spiritual” in any way. He ‘serves’ in the Parish because he enjoys socializing in their events and the ‘popularity’ he seems to get there. The idea of religiosity is like a fancy addition to his facade. And when you ask him why a particular Saint is his ‘favorite’ as he claims, to try to start a deeper conversation with him on spirituality, he usually gives a shallow explanation. In the same way, a closer look at his life would reveal to you that he just does not have important Catholic virtues like that of his supposed ‘favorite’ Saint. These show that he’s not a spiritual Catholic.
Compared to being active in Parish events for unholy social reasons, a man’s innermost self is much more important. In Tagalog, we call this “budhi.” When a man truly has goodness within, his heart reflects the love of God.
While being religious is a trait that we can also search for in a Catholic man, knowing where he’s at spiritually should not be missed. A person may not serve in the church or belong to a ministry, due to reasons like career and other personal responsibilities. But it is the depth of his love for the Divine that matters more. Of course, it doesn’t end with him saying that he loves God and likes the Saints. In fact, spoken words are just the start, similar to how we profess our Faith in the liturgy. A spiritual Catholic man is one who has a significant relationship with God that radiates virtues and holiness in his way of life.
A side note:
There are Catholic women who say that they made a very long detailed list of the qualities of the man they are searching for, down to the smallest of details like “He must be a fan of my favorite tennis star.”
Personally, I disagree on that. For example, you might include in your list that a guy has to also have this particular devotion that you have also had. What if there was this good man in God’s mind, but he hadn’t discovered this devotion yet because he was too focused right now on his career, which would be a means for him to provide for his family in the future? In the same way, he hadn’t had the chance to follow the happenings in that sport you like. But who knows, one day he could turn out to be a fan of that athlete as well. Or it might surprise you that in the course of your relationship, he would begin to share your love for that devotion.
The point is, while we are looking for specific traits or qualities for a future husband, making a list of too many particulars puts you at risk of delaying His plan for you. Instead of listening to the voice of God, you have been off the rails, searching for the wrong person all along. God knows who this good man is for you. This good person, no matter what his specific life details are, is God-sent. You have to trust God to where He is leading you, instead of you calling the shots.
So ladies, be open and receptive to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. Rather than telling God what you think would be right, pray to Him to show you what He knows is right for you.
6. Become a holy woman
Spending time without a boyfriend, a fiancé, or a spouse, especially during occasions like Valentine’s Day, is never a waste—unlike how most single women feel about it. A devout Catholic woman should consider this time of singleness as a precious moment of preparation.
Part of the said “preparation” is trying harder to look as pretty and to be as smart as we can. Of course, being pretty and smart are good qualities that most men would take notice of. But such traits and all other sorts of preparation are useless, unless we are a woman of God.
Being “a Woman of God” means that we are holy in our bodies, our hearts, and our souls. It means that we are not only attractive to society, but more importantly, we are living pious lives amidst all the modernity in this society, making our souls pleasing to God.
We should not simply be ‘practicing’ Catholics; we must be “passionate Catholics.”
Becoming a woman of God would make us the right woman for the right man.
“She brings him profit, not loss, all the days of her life. She reaches out her hands to the poor, and extends her arms to the needy. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and laughs at the days to come. She opens her mouth in wisdom; kindly instruction is on her tongue. ‘Many are the women of proven worth, but you have excelled them all.’ Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting; the woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Acclaim her for the work of her hands, and let her deeds praise her at the city gates.”
– Proverbs 31:12,20,25,26,29-31
Waste no time, ladies—let us commit to become a holy woman each day. Others may find their man almost right away. For some of us, it might take a while. But when God finally sends the ideal man for us, it would all be grand and worth it! Because by then, we would already have become holier and wiser women, able to love a husband faithfully, and care for a growing family with children selflessly.
7. Learn from your experiences, and be grateful to God
Going through a failed relationship or dating experience could cause resentment and fatigue. But rather than linger in those negative feelings and thoughts, be grateful to God for sending you what I call your own “Exodus.”
I was thinking of what would be a great analogy to God saving us from deceitful men in order for us to ultimately unite with the “good man.” And the Exodus story is what I came up with—God saves the people of Israel from the evil men in Egypt that He may lead them to the Promised Land.
So we know that God delivers the Israelites from their oppressors, the slavery and abuses in Egypt. However, many of them are ungrateful—they grumble on the road to Promised Land about many things, like their thirst and hunger for meat. God has already given them manna to eat, “endowed with all delights and conforming to every taste” (Wisdom 16:20), but they still complain against Him.
Those ungrateful Israelites refuse to acknowledge God’s favor and cooperate with His plan. After all that God had done for them, they are still unhealthily ‘attached’ to the ‘nostalgia’ of Egypt. They question God for saving them out of Egypt, as they say they would rather stay there in misery, than endure sufferings during their journey to Promised Land.
When it comes to dating, you probably have your own “Exodus” story. The question is, are you one of those ungrateful Israelites? If you are, then do not forget how God lifted you out of a dreadful relationship. Stop holding on to the painful memories of a previous dating experience, almost wishing you were still in it, even when it clearly brought you misery. There is no time for that drama we see on TV, wherein characters are unable to recover as he or she is ‘fearful to fall in love again.’
Like I said, instead of feeling depressed or regretful from heartaches and disappointments of the past, be grateful to God, and offer Him praise for saving you from the wrong man. Move on from the experience. Bring along with you all the lessons that you have learned. And look forward to the future.
Who knows how long it will be before the right man for us finally comes. But rather than complain, we keep the faith that, amidst the struggles in our day-to-day life as a single woman, God’s loving presence is with us, like a rich tasting manna that nourishes us, especially through the Eucharist, the new manna from Heaven. We will see then that our current state of singleness is a significant part of our journey towards God’s promise for us.
8. Know when to stay and when to walk away (Do not settle for less!)
Whether you are just getting to know a man, or already dating him, give it your best effort. Be a good woman by being a kind friend and a sincere listener. Try to communicate with him well. Give him a chance to prove himself to you. Allow him also to see who you truly are. You would know if a relationship is worth staying for by giving it your time and proper attention.
But when a point comes, sooner or later, that you would have confirmed in him any of the Signs that he’s NOT a good man, especially of those that I’ve already listed above, just leave, and never look back. If it is him who would leave, give thanks and praise to the Lord for saving you from the wrong man. Either way, giving him more chances, or trying even harder to hold on to him, would not be beneficial to you. Not walking away from a relationship with the wrong man will only waste your time and lead to even more problems. After a while, you would realize that it was wrong to not let this person and the relationship go. I have heard and read many stories of women who said that they already saw signs that something wasn’t right in their man or relationship all along, but chose to ignore them, only to suffer later on. So while you are dating as a single woman, and something ‘bad’ happens like those mentioned, know that it is a way of the Lord to remove this person from your life before it could be worse or too late.
Do not settle for less because of impatience, being desperate, or having unholy desires.
And also, do not settle because of fear of being alone. A devout Catholic woman would rather be ‘alone’ than be with an unchaste or a deceitful man who would endanger her soul from getting to Heaven. A woman who chooses to settle with the wrong man could spend every day of her life resenting him.
The truth is that even if we found out someday that it’s not in God’s will that we should get married, we would still never be alone or aimless. Our family members need us. Our parishes need us. Our communities need us. There will always be people and things that God wants us to attend to. For we are God’s instruments in His Divine Plan, whether we are married or single.
I was able to comprehend over the years that having a true relationship with God means that our own will is conformed to His Will—what God desires for us, we desire, too. This also means that those things, which we used to dream about and desire, that were not part of God’s plan for our lives, would naturally lose their appeal to us at some point in time. Eventually, it would be revealed to us whether marriage is a part of His plan for us or otherwise. And so, by constantly uniting ourselves with God, our desires align to His Will that either plan would be acceptable to us, and would bring us peace.
9. Consecrate yourself to Jesus
The word “consecrate” means “to sanctify oneself with.” To be consecrated is to be set aside for God for a sacred purpose. We have many Catholic prayers for consecration. For example, since the Holy Week of 2017, I have started to regularly pray the “Act of Consecration to the Sacred Heart of Jesus” by Saint Sister Margaret Mary Alacoque. Then, using the method by Saint Louis Marie de Montfort known as the “Consecration to Jesus through Mary,” along with its 33-day preparation—my immediate family and I consecrated ourselves on the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God in 2018.
Ladies, while searching for a spouse and preparing yourself to be a spouse, contemplate about consecrating yourself to God in your singleness. When we consecrate ourselves, we give our lives entirely to God, in His love and service, allowing Him to use us for His glory. Because of that, God will remove any obstacle and blockage that could cause us to drift away from the path to holiness—including men of deceit who try to overcome us. Sometimes, the evil might seem to be winning over us, in our relationships and the other aspects of our lives. But God will definitely save us who consecrated ourselves to Him from succumbing to temptation and other evils. Only God always wins in the lives of those who love and serve Him. As Saint Paul wrote in his letter to the Romans,
“We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.”
– Romans 8:28
10. Pray for your future husband
We single Catholic women focus on praying to God to send us that good man to be our spouse, so that we could finally say, “The search is over!” But many of us forget to pray FOR our future spouse. Many married Catholic women have shared testimonials on the Providence of God when they prayed in the past for their now-husbands.
So let us not forget to pray for our future husband; that God and the Blessed Mother may take care of him, and protect him.
What I always pray for every day is that my future husband is doing God’s will right this very moment. I think that says it all.
Conclusion
Our good Father in Heaven is the King; we are a spiritual Princess. Many do not appreciate their worth, and settle with ‘chips.’ But God only prepares a banquet for His daughter. Therefore, ladies, we should love and take care of ourselves just as God cherishes us like a Princess, to whom He would only give a Prince worthy of our love, care and affection. And this Prince, this “good man,” only God knows who he is and what he is, in accordance with His Will—he could have the gentleness of Saint Joseph, the fieriness of Saint John the Baptist, the zealousness of Saint Paul the Apostle or the devotedness of Saint Peter the Apostle.
In our very own future wedding banquet, Jesus Christ and the Blessed Virgin Mary, our Mother in Heaven, desire to grace it with their Most Holy presence, and bless it, just as They did to the newlyweds at Cana. But They would not be able to do that if we were to go against God’s Will, by giving away ourselves in an unholy union with an unrighteous, unjust and unworthy man.
If you are unsure of your relationship, or you are still waiting and on the verge of giving up, remember Psalm 24, which I have shared earlier:
9 “O gates, lift high your heads;
grow higher, ancient doors.
Let him enter, the king of glory!
10 Who is he, the king of glory?
He, the Lord of armies,
he is the king of glory.”
So who is the man whom you would be one flesh and body with under the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony? He is the “man with clean hands and pure heart,” a Prince who is Christ-like, a reflection of the image of the King, our Father in Heaven. And this good man is worth every moment of prayer and waiting.
Saint John the Baptist, voice crying in the wilderness, pray for us!
Saint Joseph, Most Chaste Spouse of the Mother of God, pray for us!
Mama Mary, pray for us!
Amen.
She graduated cum laude from the University of Santo Tomas, the country's Pontifical and Catholic university, with an AB in Legal Management and minor units in Theology.
As an unmarried woman, prayer holds a central place in her daily life, with a focus on the Rosary and the Divine Office. Embodying her faith, she emphasizes the growth of her inner spiritual life, guided by the wisdom of Carmelite spirituality.
God manifested to her in a unique and radical manner, which made her know Who He truly is and led her to total surrender of her life to Him.
She has studied the Bible with her family, developing a particular fondness for the Old Testament.
Her adorable and intelligent toy poodle is a delightful companion in her daily life, bringing warmth and joy to her home.
Her hobbies include reading about everything, learning Japanese and German, listening to music and playing the flute.
In her leisure time, she enjoys gaming on PlayStation 5, Nintendo Switch OLED, Nintendo 3DS, iOS and OS, and collecting things related to PlayStation and Nintendo.
Email: [email protected]
Like 'The Best Catholic' on Facebook: www.facebook.com/TheBestCatholic
I just found your site and find it and you fascinating. I look forward to reading more and receiving you new posts. Thanks and God Bless. I just completed my first year as an OCDS aspirant and look forward to growing in Carmelite spirituality my self. ??❤️❤️
I am richly blessed with your advice and encouragement, its Good to understand God’s purpose on my life, I now understand that being single is not a bad omen, its also God plan that usher us into level of multiplication, Gen 1:27. God bless and grant you your heart desires.
Thanks Mary